Badass Dash

"You know what would be fun? Getting up obscenely early on a Saturday morning and running a 7K obstacle course" - Said no one ever*.

* Except Mau and 2999 other people.

This year I went temporarily insane and registered for the Badass Dash. "I'll have 5 months to train for it," I thought reasonably.

As you may guess, 5 months became 4 months which became 3 months, et cetera and so on, until a measly month before the race I decided to make a pretense of training.
Luckily, misery loves company, and Thea was right there beside me to plod away on jogs. We made a few half hearted attempts to go jogging. A five kilometer run here and there, and two forced marches 7 kilometers runs as well. Unfortunately, nothing could have prepared us for the Dash itself.

The day of the Badass Dash dawned cool. Very cool. Downright frigid in fact. It was a balmy 3 degrees when we arrived at the race course. Luckily I had fortified my race attire with a long sleeve shirt the night before, otherwise it would have been downright nippy.


Until the race started there was little to do but jump around, trying to stay warm, and staring at the other super fit racers with abject terror. There were people dressed in costumes (I was particularly impressed with the girls who were going to run in tutus and bunny ears) and in team t-shirts. (Thea and I were passed by the entire Team Whip Boxing Gym team.) Finally, at 8 o'clock sharp, we were lined up,w waiting for the starting horn.

Who the hell designs a race so that it starts up a hill? A long hill at that! My god, Thea and I nearly died during the first climb! Thankfully we weren't the only ones. Three quarters of the way up the hill most people (except the crazy boxing team) had given up and started walking. Then we had a reprieve when we immediately ran right back down the hill. But then we went back up. By the second climb, Thea and I gave up and just started walking. There wasn't a choice really. It was walk or curl into a fetal position and cry. The latter felt like a bad option, especially considering we hadn't even hit an official obstacle yet.


Honestly, the hardest part of the race was just the running between obstacles. We used up all our stamina on the first 2 hill climbs, and then running up the trails behind the mountain, and then all other hill climbs, including the tiny inclines on otherwise flat paths. And, because we spent our stamina on the jogging itself, it made the obstacles harder.

The obstacles of the race varied between the mundane ("Do 15 pushups! Do 5 barrel rolls! Carry this 30 pound bag of sand around this bush!") to the insane ("Run across this unstable bridge of empty containers! Crawl under this chain link fence for 3 meters! Climb over 2 cars and a bus!"). But it was. So. Much. Fun.

I'm happy that Thea and I went in the very first heat. Even though we were passed by a lot of runners, we were still relatively early in the race, and some of the obstacles were becoming difficult already. For example, the tire crawl (walking through a series of tires stacked two on two was hard, just because there was mud forming at the bottom of the tires. Also, I can't imagine what the sand dunes that we had to run across looked like by the end of the day. At least when we went, the dunes were still relatively well formed.

My two favorite obstacles of the race, for their sheer ridiculousness, were the bouncy castle and logs.

The bouncy castle was hilarious because you had to go through, then over, and then either over or through 3 separate sections. Unfortunately the middle bouncy section was really tall, too tall to get over on your own power. A random racer and I had to help Thea get over the middle section. And then I helped the random racer. And then they had to help pull me over the wall. I ended up floundering on the bottom of the bouncy castle cause I was laughing too hard.

The logs were hilarious for similar reasons. The first log was easy enough to get over - you just had to fling your leg up, straddle it, and roll over the other side. Unfortunately the second log was at chest height on me. "That's okay," I thought to myself, "It just needs a running start!" So I backed up, ran, jumped up and grabbed the log, and started kicking like mad to try to swing my legs up.  That's when I fell back down. "Try try again," I thought, and did the exact same thing with the exact same results. The volunteers were laughing at this point. Then Thea gave it a try. And failed. And then came another racer, a super fit guy. He came racing up, leaps for the log... And falls backwards. He and I helped Thea get over, and then she was able to help pull me over. (Thea's dismount was hilarious though, because once she was straddling the log, she started slipping sidewards, but forgot to let go, and suddenly she was clinging to the log upside down like a sloth.)

Some osbstacles were a lot easier than others too, and I think I can thank my rock climbing skills for that. The "Australian Back Crawl" was a good example. We had to lay down on a slippery surface, and pull ourselves up a cargo net on our backs (while getting sprayed with a hose). It was a simple matter of only using your legs to push your way up. The Wall Climb was relatively easy too, especially since they had a small ledge to put your feet on at the top. (That being said, I have a horrific stomach bruise from my slide down.)

For me, the hardest obstacles were probably the crawls. Crawling under a chain link fence for 3 meters was really difficult. I was gasping for breath by the end. The same goes for the Claustrophobic Crawl. I lost the skin on both my elbows on that one.

Finally, 1 hour and 31 minutes after we started, Thea and I managed to pass the finish line. It was official: I was a badass! I placed 1365 out of 2356, and in my age (20-29) and gender category I placed 190/384. I'm damned pleased with my results!

Even though I'm still bruised, have abrasions, and can't move certain muslces without whimpering, I'm already looking forward to next year's race.